In the Quiet Heart Is Hidden...

Once in awhile, I'll interrupt the child who is taking twenty minutes to describe a two minute YouTube clip, or is loudly demanding immediate action, to tell them the truth about myself.  I say, "You are speaking to someone with a severe headache," or, "You are speaking to someone who got less than two hours of sleep last night."  They see this as a sign to tone things down, be more gentle...or go tell their dad.

You are reading the words of someone who is hurting.  Breathing feels unfamiliar.  I'm worn from shaking.  Yesterday afternoon, Ordain Women announced that Kate Kelly had received notification of her excommunication.  For those of you who don't know what this means, I put some links below.  I'm not sure why I feel this news so keenly.  I've never met Sister Kelly, but she is suffering deeply and I long to help her, and the countless others who likewise grieve.  But there's more to it.  I see myself in her.  I have questions too.

Why don't women hold the priesthood in my church?
Are women really equal to men in God's eyes?
Why are we taught that men are to preside over their families?
How can marriage between a man and a woman be an equal partnership if the man presides?
What is presiding?
Does the structure of my church contribute to the sexist attitudes I encounter regularly?
How can I protect my children from these attitudes?
Why do I feel othered in my larger church community, a leftover bit?

Many have said that having questions is not a problem.  Questions are welcome.  I wonder whether that's true.  Some of the things I've read and heard this week have left me unsure. 

I hear, "Disciplinary councils are supposed to be private.  Why did she have to go running to the New York Times?" 
I think, "It's not safe for people like me to speak up." 

I hear, "She just doesn't have the eternal perspective that I have gained through diligent study and prayer." 
I think, "Anything less than complete conviction is a signal that I am less than...and lazy." 

I hear, "She can't honestly claim to be one of us and launch a media campaign against us at the same time."
I think, "If I'm not careful about the number of people with whom I discuss my questions, I could be cast out."

I hear, "If she doesn't like this church, she should just leave."
I think, "I spend all of my time being a member of this church.  Whether I clean the bathroom or blog is a decision I make based on my faith.  If I were to leave, it would break my heart.  Where would I go?  There are at least some people I love and respect, and with whom I've served and learned and wept, who don't care."

I'm Maggie.  I'm a Mormon.  I'm an earnest seeker with serious questions and I'm afraid of being rejected by people for whom I care so much.



*The title for this post comes from the hymn, Lord I Would Follow Thee.
Bishop Harrison outlined to Sister Kelly in this letter his reasons for excommunicating her, what it means for her, and what she needs to do to become, again, a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  She has released it. 
Her defense is written here and here.
There were more than one thousand letters written on her behalf.  Some of them have been published here. 
I wrote one of those letters.  I also wrote a short explanation here.
All of the content to which I linked in this post moved me and is worth your time if you have a stake in this issue or want to better understand someone who does*

Teach Me to Walk in the Light

I read this article this morning and it is what is on my mind...and in my wobbly knees...and in my tears.  Kate Kelly is the founder of Ordain Women and she is facing possible excommunication.  What does this mean?  In my church, while every member is invited to follow Jesus Christ, women are not invited to hold the priesthood.  I'm not sure how I feel about this.  My efforts at discipleship have brought me joy.  I love opportunities to serve and connect with others.  People are amazing!  But I have also experienced moments of uneasiness and vulnerability because I do not hold the priesthood.  Ordain Women seeks to create a safe space for women to articulate their feelings on this issue.  It also seeks ways to respectfully request change.  Now her local leaders are considering revoking her membership in the church.  I know that there are other views on this.  Actually, I love that there are other views on this.  But this is where I stand.

I have been a part of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for my whole life.  It is a part of me.  I love it the way I love my ribs and my tongue.  When I considered leaving the church last year it was excruciating.  Ordain Women, and other Mormon feminist sites, helped me through this time.  They empowered me to bravely examine my faith and to take responsibility for what I believe and what I teach my children.  This process has lead me to a richer connection to the gospel of Jesus Christ and a more fulfilling communion with the saints.  Thank you, Kate Kelly.

Strong Woman

I spent an evening this week with an incredible group of women.  We were gathered to celebrate the anniversary of Relief Society.  It's the organization for women associated with my church.  We had a cozy dinner and little presentation.  I didn't bake a lasagne or toss a salad.  Instead, it fell to me to put together the presentation--"The Influence of Strong Women."  My anxiety around this presentation has been building for several weeks.  I made assignments and handouts.  I selected music and quotes.  And every day I felt a little more tense.  Will it be too short, will my speakers show up, is the focus of that video too narrow, will these women for whom I have such admiration see the clumsy chaos that is my inside? The two days before the deadline are a blur of haste and chocolate.  Finally, I was sitting at a table picking apart a hunk of garlic bread and the time came for me to speak.  I stammered, I spoke a few sentences, I blushed and I breathed deeply and stood tall and continued.  Sometimes, I wish I were the kind of strong woman who didn't get anxious.  I'm another kind.